INTROSPECTION




Experience has proven to be the best teacher. That which you refuse to learn time and time again will count as resistance, which generates pain. All resistance does is keep you in the loop, a cycle which becomes increasingly difficult to break out of.

One of the wisest lessons life has taught me in the last ten years of my life has been that you can't control what other people do or think. Often times you also have no influence over their actions. As frustrating as it can be, you can explain yourself multiple times over from different angels in attempt to connect and get on the same wavelength. Those who simply don't wish to see your point of view won't even budge, and that's just the way life is. Insisting makes the situation tense or awkward, and people close their windows of attention. After they've been saturated, they are no longer listening. The person explaining is expending time and energy unwisely. It is wasted.

Throughout my 20s I always felt I knew best. I psychoanalyzed all the people in my life and felt the responsibility to point them in the direction of what I understood was the best version of what they could be. Later on I found out what they wanted in reality was different from my well-intended carved out path. Then I finally came to the realization it isn't my responsibility to help or save people in my personal life. This just happens to be what I dedicated myself to for a living, but it doesn't need to translate over into my off time from work. That has helped me stop wasting my energy and time. I also came to accept I wasn't always right.

Last Wednesday when I met up with my mentor La Gitana Patricia, she grinned at me and asked me if I'm still trying to save people that often just end up being unnecessary weight on my shoulders. She told me that the down side to being a psychic seer is understanding others because it often leads to disappointment. You know they can do better and get frustrated when they end up not investing effort into working things out in a manner that fulfills your standards of the potential you see in them.

Time and experience teach you that you don't necessarily know best, you just find a possible outcome for which there are many others in the pile.



Experience has taught me that it isn't my responsibility to try influence others, no matter how well intended the impulse might be. Knowing this has saved me some frustration and has instead helped me circumvent back to what really matters: to prioritize myself. To prioritize my own growth.

I've consciously been putting a lot of work into my psyche for the past six or seven months. It has paid off plenty, despite there still being much work to do. But it has made the biggest difference in my moods. Every day I walk this new path I shape myself to be able to live a peaceful and more productive life. It sucks to take a good look at yourself and to see yourself as a broken down fairground, but now that I've been at it a while I feel much better. I did the work. I've let go of some bad habits and been focused instead on improving as a person. Even though I'm not quite there yet I am still grateful to have the opportunity to progress. For a while there I kept overriding the same behaviors and going nowhere with them.

This year I turn 30. Months after the end of my Saturn Return I am now thinking about the chapter coming up ahead. The next decade won't feel any different but will be symbolic for a new stage in my life. The purpose of the Saturn Return is to clear the slate for that next chapter. Well, here I stand pretty much naked. The Saturn Return aggressively cleared everything and everyone out of my life. I removed and also caused people to leave my life. From here, there is really no way to go but forward. I think the biggest challenge has actually been to master my impulses, particularly the more passionate ones.

There is truth to the hypothesis that we are placed on this Earth to master ourselves.

I can feel my conscious efforts turning inwards, and it makes perfect sense. But I wouldn't have known this lesson had it been dangling before my eyes for years. Are things perfect now? Not by any stretch, but I am learning and that counts.

I have found I don't hold grudges forever; time makes letting go of grudges possible. While I wouldn't want to reintegrate the people who hurt me back into my life, I have walked away with a newfound understanding of how not to approach situations. Sometimes I still get scared of the notion that I won't have the ability to learn from my mistakes due to not being ready or not having absorbed a lesson properly, but I can't feed the storms that brew inside of me. They will engulf and consume me if I let them.

Time has this magic effect about it of sobering us up. Even though I can see my own flaws more clearly now I try not to mind them so much. What it is really about is learning and progressing. Change is something I have always been comfortable with, but now I see it more as a pacemaker. The challenge is not to be dragged by it.


I'm not the same person I used to be. Try as you might to box me back in, I don't fit inside that old box anymore. I've changed.
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KAMBO CEREMONY


Today I went to visit my mentor, La Gitana Patricia. We go way back to work done in 2010—2013. These were the years of my formation as a professional psychic. All the most powerful things come in threes, right?

During that time I did salvia divinorum and Ayahuasca, of which I have already talked about on this blog. On Tuesday, May 15th, 2018 I participated in a Kambo frog ceremony. 🐸 Kambo is Native American medicine extracted from frog secretion. Poison. It is known as the vaccine of the forest and treats addiction, depression, anxiety, migraines, organ diseases, chronic pain, cancer, fertility problems, restoring the immune system and the mind. It is believed to expel negative energy or evil spirits. There are no clinical studies that confirm the success of this treatment, but from personal experience I can say I vouch for it with full confidence. 

I was to drink two liters and a half of water before the medicine was introduced. My healer burnt four dots on my arm and then administered the frog poison with a ritual knife. Today we are going to talk about the experience and its miraculous after effects.

 All it took was one ceremony to feel the difference!

My palms were breaking out in cold sweats because of how anxious I was... But the burns barely even stung, and the poison did not sting as it was administered. I didn’t feel anything at all, I just knew it started working because of my altered state of being.



— Don't be fooled by the attractiveness of my teacher. His medicine is Hellfire!! 🐸 🐸 🐸

I get muscle spasms on my left foot with certain regularity as of a few years back, and its been quite inconvenient to deal with. I felt a warm sensation shoot right to my foot, so I sat back and stretched my leg out. That same sensation burnt from my arm into my brain. I sat for about a minute in a state of surprise, then I doubled over and puked into a bucket.

After that things got intense. The burning sensation engulfed me and I felt sick to my stomach. I puked numerous times while the healer soothed me. She treated me with so much care while I moaned and purged. She even tied my hair behind my back.

My lips got hot and swollen, and so did much of my face. Patricia came into the room and sat with me, asking how the process was going. I glanced up to see concern across her face. It reminded me of December 18, 2012 when I lay strewn across the forest floor, writhing in agony from the stern clutches of the Ayahuasca brew. I was as miserable then as I was now. In my mind I repeated my intention for the trip over and over, drowning out a fit of rage in which I asked myself why I put myself through these hard tests. I don’t enjoy the process, healing hurts. And yet there I was, doubled over a bucket. lol

Five minutes in I was begging for it to be over. It was so intense. The process continued for about 20 minutes. 40 minutes later I was exhausted but felt lighter, with peace washing over me. Basking in the afterglow of my inner battle, I felt a sense of accomplishment. Similar to when I first fell in love with my boyfriend Christopher. He made me feel like my past meant nothing, all I needed was his saving grace. I had my heart flooded with overwhelming love, and it has been the biggest blessing in the past seven years of my life. Well, this experience had a very similar effect to that. To me, it felt somewhat miraculous. Sometimes I drag myself through my life, but since the ceremony there is a spring in my step.

The relief I felt after the ceremony was in fact not just the physical soothing. It was actually the fact I had purged feelings I unconsciously carried with me. Invisible ailments, the kind you can feel but can't quite identify. What I got was the feeling of inner peace. You can't put a price on that! Throughout the day I noticed that the intention I had set for my ceremony had in fact been accomplished.



Healing takes time, and unfortunately it takes numerous ceremonies. But this first one was a milestone, and for that I am immensely thankful. Despite my temporary suffering I came out of this with a newfound sense of direction, and most importantly, reaffirmed in my faith for the path I lead my life in. For the first time since I can remember I was excited about my life mission, and excited to get back into making something. The battle to end my artist block has been extensive, but I have since then made new pieces and feel it slowly becoming a habitual practice.

I thanked my healer before and after the ceremony. She was patient and kind, but above all she was loving towards a stranger. That’s rare. After the ceremony we sat together and had a heart to heart about what it means to be healers nowadays. We shared experiences and I had the opportunity to interpret some dreams for her. It was a profound bonding experience with another girl of about my age that lives a very extraordinary life. And today of all days our paths crossed for the first time. I am immensely grateful! Especially since its been exactly a year since my tumultuous break up. What a great personal reward!

In all honesty I feel compelled to experience this ceremony again despite its unpleasant effects. 20 minutes of suffering are well worth the afterglow that comes and lasts for an entire 24 hours after the fact. It made me conscious of the fact we need to heal ourselves constantly, even if healing is a painful endeavor. Let’s be real here, healing hurts. I don’t enjoy going through it, but the fact remains this is the path I chose. I commit to stick to it and to keep helping people find their way. Eventually I think I will be employing other, more advanced methods. But for now, cards and ceremonies. I’ve got so much work to do.

Immensely grateful to this amazing experience that I had. Now I have my very first tattoo thanks to the ceremony. Four burn marks permanently singed into my skin. It will serve as a reminder of my inner battles and how far I am willing to go to work on improving myself. You can't tame determination. I’ve done some pretty risky things to heal myself of the mundane tangles I found myself trapped in, and now have plans to visit Mount Shasta for an extraordinary event held for seers, by seers. It seems the journey ahead is still one fraught with trials and difficult ceremonies, but my spirit is set on traversing through it and I promise to you all that I am going to make it. Just watch.

Disclaimer: If you feel inspired to experience this, please be safe. Drink two liters of water and don’t eat anything on the day of your ceremony. Don’t just find any random to do it. Find somebody you can trust because they will be taking care of you. I did this in a safe space flanked by people who love me and because of that I was able to let go of my modesty to just be a human going through an unpleasant healing experience. I walked out of there as if on the clouds. You will want the same going for yourself.


Thank you so much for reading.  🐸🐸♡♡
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